Watching Anthony on Netflix today while I try to kick out a large section on this surfboard I am throwing mosaic on. My way of grieving…celebrating his work while I do my own. This just sucks so much to me on a personal level and this piece I am working on has really suddenly taken on a whole new meaning. I won’t ever look at it again and not think about what happened while I was creating it. But instead of complete sadness about it all I really feel a determination to not go down the rabbit hole that I’ve felt myself go down on occasion with all the upheaval in my life recently. I don’t always talk about it..but I do have real moments of complete loneliness here in this new place where I don’t feel like I fit in. And I honestly went from one situation where I had to suppress being who I really am…to another similar situation (different stage..different actors) where I again can not really let these people know who I really am. It is hard at moments here and I beat up “demons” daily who tell me I am worthless and old and alone and have accomplished nothing in my life and everything I ever do fails. I know this isn’t true…but there are days when I just break down and wallow. It’s hard to be strong all the time. It really is hard to be strong inside your head and I feel for all those who do this with a mind that is not 100% okay. I don’t know what the real solution is to these days besides telling those thoughts “no…not true” over and over and having a bit of a cry and then carrying on knowing tomorrow I won’t be in this funk. It just hasn’t made sense to me to curl up in a ball in the corner and do nothing yet. I just have to keep going..with some days more productive than others. But I would be lying if I said everything was roses now that I left a bad situation. The leaving was the easy part. Carrying on is the fickle, mean bitch that doesn’t give me heads up when it decides to sit on my shoulder and point out everything I have failed at and whispers things like “whats the point?”
I don’t know where this next chapter will take me…I have real fears of being alone..being unloved…and never truly finding my partner in life…and not succeeding at providing for myself as an artist. And maybe those life long quests were foolish of me from the start. Maybe there is no one person for me. Maybe I will be one of the millions of artists who never truly make it. Maybe I should just let those ideas go and be content with just creating for the joy of creating and making a nice, quiet life alone with my cats and pissed off plants while I humbly serve others. But you know..as soon as I think all that…a little voice inside says “Fuck that. Go get yours and stop this pointless pity party.” So I do..and I am…and I just keep chipping away at something that I really don’t know will ever be a reality. I guess I have hope. It has always been the driving force behind every single thing I have ever done in my life. I don’t know why I have it in me…I don’t know why it hasn’t been stomped out of me after everything I have survived. I don’t know why I feel I can and could do this and succeed over anyone else out there who is more talented or…just nicer. I guess I don’t really know I will…but it can’t hurt to try…I mean…what else have I got to do. I might as well give it a go. Might as well see if I can and who knows…maybe I will find myself at the right place at the right time…with the right tools. I certainly won’t know unless I try. Right?
And so this is what is in my mind today..and many days. This back and forth of why I should give up..and why I should not give up. I don’t think I am any different than most people out there…no matter what their situation is. I think I am actually quite normal in that sense although my decisions might not always be conventional. I am really just doing what we all do inside our minds…making sense of the senseless…forgiving the shortcomings of myself and others…celebrating the wins and holding onto this idea that maybe tomorrow will be better and make more sense. Sometimes it does…sometimes it doesn’t…but I do know this….I want to know what happens next.