The Last of It

Dear Richard Allan Lloyd,

I need to not speak to you anymore. I’m very tired of how you make me feel and I need to move on. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who did what you did to me so I mean this whole being nice thing is just not going to work right now. I really don’t like you. You were very cruel to me. You are an extremely selfish person. You had no right to treat me the way you did. You never had my back. You wouldn’t even protect me from friends who were pretty blatantly sexually assaulting me. That sticks out in my mind a lot. Someone who loves you…would never allow his gf to be treated like that right in front of him. I’m sorry you are such a weak, coward of a man. I really am. I’m sorry you can never truly be happy with someone and always have to find something wrong with them to justify how you treat them. It’s wrong. You need help. I mean you really do. I hope you get it so you don’t suffer in life any longer. But I’m not going to be in your life so..good luck with all that. There’s no real communicating with you and it’s really just very frustrating talking to a wall that doesn’t respond. You have a serious problem. You don’t get to treat someone you claim to love so horribly and poof we are all good and friends. No. Sorry..not how it works. I don’t trust anything you say. I mean you lied to my face. How do you expect me to trust you now? How? You couldn’t be honest when you were my bf. Now suddenly you can? Ya I just need to not speak to you anymore. This is pointless and continues to hurt me and I have a choice. You had every opportunity to sit me down and say okay how can we fix this. You chose not to. So now I get to choose if I allow someone who treated me so unfairly in my life. I chose me. I chose taking care of me and my heart. I will miss you because I truly loved you. But you are toxic. You have interrupted my life and my career and work in so many negative ways I can’t keep count of all the times you have now. This was not a real relationship. This was you not having any other options so you were just with me. As soon as an option came along…you felt no guilt at all going with the other option. Sorry…that’s not okay with me. I deserve better. I deserve real love. Love that works things out. Love that is honest. Love that gets through the bad times and stays for the long haul. You simply were not capable of doing this. That’s it. I expected things from someone who just wasn’t capable of being a good man. Someone broken. Lesson learned. I won’t settle again. I will expect more from the person I share my bed with. I will never be so miserable and hope and wish the man right across from me could just see what everyone else can see in me…ever again. Life is to short to be treated like that. I give myself permission to not care about you anymore. To not put your needs above my own. I give myself permission to let go of something I held onto so desperately for so many years and to understand why I did that to myself. I was scared. I was lonely. You waltzed into my life pretending to be a hero and I played the victim well. That was the match. That is how this all happened. And now I know that just doesn’t work and had no hope from the beginning of ever working.

Now I get to change it up. Now I move on and no…I don’t want to be friends with you. You are not someone I would ever consider being friends with. I seem to choose my friends better than my lovers and I need to understand why I always seem to do this in my life. It is not healthy or fair to keep doing this to myself or to the people who do truly love me and it has caused so much unnecessary pain and upheaval. Done. I’m so done with this insane way of living. Ignoring it and focusing on my art was a mistake. A huge mistake I won’t make again. I am going to be okay. I don’t need you. I desperately need ME and I need to do better by myself first. Period. End of story.

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