It is in the raw and unfiltered spaces we find our truth. The spaces where we have nothing more to lose. The humbled by forces beyond our control moments that force you to kneel and weep and gather the threads of whatever is left.
Another horrifying revelation that pretty much knocked the wind out of me. It wasn’t just a couple years of lies…it was all of it. From the very beginning. Secrets were kept. A threat to expose the secrets…forced it to be revealed. And now here it sits. The ugly ugly truth of what I truly meant to someone..which was nothing. I meant nothing. I was disposable. I wasn’t worth being told the truth. I have never been so disrespected in my life. So continuously lied to my face. A million different times. In a million different ways. I don’t know how to describe the feeling of realizing that the last 8 years were…fake and untrue. I don’t know how to describe what it feels like to know you were sleeping with someone who cared so little about your well being. I’ve never experienced this kind of betrayal before. I honestly do not know what to do with any of it but sit here in complete shock at the magnitude of the crime committed. So many many signs and red flags about who he really was and I ignored all of it. All the times I swallowed my pride with him. Felt so fucking lonely with him. And great..now that’s over and I’m free. But I don’t feel very free. I feel abused. I feel exhausted and beat. I feel horrified it was even worse than what I already knew it was. I was nothing but an ego boost. He knew he didn’t deserve me. A woman like me. He put on quite the act to pretend he did. He knew exactly what would make me believe he was anything like me while this entire time he was in fact exactly opposite of who I am. It is a very hard pill to swallow. It is completely bitter. And I honestly do not know what to do with any of this in the moment but randomly cry and scream and simply say these things when I am even able to. My throat feels closed off. I feel like I can barely get a breath in. All I truly know is I did not deserve to have those years stolen from me. I did not deserve to be treated this way. It was all so very wrong and gross and unforgivable.
You Had To Be There… 