I survived a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. Sorry if that should not be said but it’s true. A very very one sided and controlling relationship. You all won’t ever know the half of it…but today it hit me just how incredibly messed up it was for me…the strong woman I know myself to be…to be in that kind of situation. And I do take responsibility for my part in allowing it to happen.
Im crossing over now to the reality of it all and I don’t ever have to be in that horrible position again. I’m free. I forgive myself for being scared and so easily manipulated for so long. I am a forgiving human and also very accepting…to a fault at times. Lesson learned. Some things I should not just accept or suppress. It will eventually catch up. It always does.
I just want you all to know..I was not being true to me..and I’m embarrassed and healing from that. And I’m sorry I didn’t practice what I preach. I really am. I don’t like fake. It wasn’t my intentions to be like that but in hindsight..I was. It’s shocking to me how much I was not being true to me. No more now.
I get a second chance to be true and walk the walk. I am so grateful to slowly be in this place of connecting all the dots and understanding just what the hell happened and how easily I allowed it to happen because I wasn’t right with myself first. And how very important it is to not ignore obvious red flags. But fear has a way of making you…not so aware..and it attracts what it attracts and it’s easier to ignore things then face them head on I guess. I can’t say I’m not angry at this person. I was not treated fairly at all…but I do understand the root of what makes people treat others unfairly…and he is human and has some deeply rooted things he needs to work out personally. I’m just not going to be with him if and when he chooses to work on himself. That ship sunk and now I’m on shore building my own ship.
So ya. That’s where I’m at today. Only good days now. I have a choice. And my choice is self care. Self confidence. Self awareness. I’m feeling less angry. Less sad. This simply was never meant to be from the very beginning and I know that now. I get it. It’s very clear to me now after stepping away. Acceptance. I am human. I hoped for the right things. I had good intentions. But you know…I wasn’t right either. If I would have been..I really would not have accepted most of what happened. I can’t change another person..but I can change me. So that’s my focus now. No more ignoring me and what I want or deserve in my life.
You Had To Be There… 