Watching my Sunday morning show and drinking my coffee. My plan is to work on my commission all day today. Grateful to have peace at the moment. Afraid to enjoy it too much because this seems to be the moment when the floor drops out from under me. I have felt uneasy for months and months now. It’s exhausting.
And my feeling that way all the time is concerning. I know this is not healthy. I feel very paranoid now. Very unsure who to trust. I have had one too many people I completely trusted carelessly mess with my LIFE. My home and my life and my means to make a living so I can have options. That’s not okay. I did not deserve any of this but I do understand the root of all the upheaval. Hurt and broken people….hurt people. And I’m trying desperately not to join that club. I’m trying to understand where it’s coming from so I don’t take it so personally and suddenly find I own a part of that dysfunctional real estate. It’s very unsettling and weird but for the moment I need to squash that feeling so I don’t bring that to my little make shift work table. I want to do good work. I want to knock this out of the park because a couple someone’s believe in me and think I’m worth it. They are trusting my artistic vision. What a gift to be trusted to create.
All the other emotional type stuff I’m working on is a one minute at a time kind of thing. I am probably the last person who should be trying to help someone at the moment while trying to help myself but it has forced me to look at myself in a way I haven’t before..so in turn…it’s helping me. My humbled and forgiving state has forced me to dig deep and understand my own short comings while trying to understand others. We are complex. All of us. There are so many layers and experiences that shape each and every one of us. There are mistakes made in a moment of feeling unheard. It is a slippery slope and sometimes horribly perfect storms are created by simply feeling a huge disconnect. Relationships are work. They do not just happen. Put away your Disney idea of how it all works. If only it were that simple.