It is the knowing..

Real and raw life time.

The things I have learned in therapy about what has been going on with me throughout my life have been huge. I have PTSD. No way around it. And what I’ve learned is it began when I was 16 yrs old and gave my first born up for adoption. I’m beginning to write it all out. Maybe I will share someday but for now it’s just for me. What I’m learning is first…praying over me did not help. What would have helped was instead of shutting down and suppressing all that in order to survive..and try to be a “normal” kid..then later a “normal” adult…I needed to be able to talk about it. I desperately needed to have therapy for that event in my life. I needed someone to say “let it out..don’t let that stuff simmer inside will show up badly in many different ways and many different choices if you don’t get that out.” And it did. And connecting the dots is painful but necessary. But I see how much that not dealing with grief and loss affected me. Oh I talked about it some…but not the deep stuff. Not the frustration of feeling cheated of having my first born with me and the shame and regret of that entire experience. Or the blow to my self confidence because ultimately..I made the decision to give my child to a stranger. Who does that? Was I strong or a coward? These are the things you wrestle with inside your mind. And unless you experience this personally…you really have no idea how deeply it affects you and how present it is in your mind every single day.

30 years it took to understand this. Last year I experienced PTSD again. And after I experienced this again I was repeatedly hit over the head by people I trusted. It was too much. It broke me. I’m not too proud to admit it completely and utterly devastated me. The irony is I went to therapy to try and understand someone else’s PTSD and how to deal with it. And you know of course try to understand my stuff. But I really went to find answers for someone else. A normal pattern in my life. Make sure everyone else is okay…deal with yourself last. Or not at all.
Shake it time to dwell too much..get back up and keep trying. This has been my entire life theme. Bad things happen..cry if you must but then start working on how to get out of the mess… you ultimately created. And it’s not easy to say that. It’s easier to blame people who did not have good intentions or were broken themselves around me. Much harder to say..okay what was your part in all this. How were you broken? What choices did you make that helped perpetuate the trouble that came.

The last few months I’ve noticed I’ve been forgetting things. Important things. Things I’ve never been forgetful about before. It hasn’t been horrible mistakes…but it hasn’t been my norm and it’s concerning to me. It scared me actually. I’m not “in control” like I normally felt I was. I’m learning it’s part of the PTSD. I’m learning I really did hit a wall last year and the strong facade I built for myself has real cracks in it. Serious enough to be forced to say…I can’t do this on my own anymore. I need help.

I can’t afford the help I need any longer with therapy…but the help I did receive has been huge. It was the information I needed to begin the process of researching this more and connecting the dots throughout my life. Because knowing and understanding is better than not. Once you know…it can’t be undone. So I’ll keep at it. I forgive myself a little more than I ever have. And I recognize the signs now that maybe it’s my PTSD talking here and trying to take the reins. That is just huge for me. And I am going to write more. Something I really used to do a lot of but with PTSD event #2…having to leave the father of my children…a lot of what I used to do simply stopped. In fact I threw out many journals I used to keep for years after that event. They were so depressing I just didn’t want them near me. But that’s a whole other story that I’m certain I need to write about as well.

Baby steps. 3 total PTSD events in my life. I see them now. I see the carnage. I see why I made the choices I made time and time again. Knowing is huge.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms, Causes and Effects

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