Monday Morning

It’s raining today and will be all week and I couldn’t be more happy about that. Will keep some people home.

Today is the quietest I’ve heard it outside. Not one car is moved from its parking spot outside my window. That’s a first. I noticed the parking Nazis have stopped driving through writing out warnings. Another first. I wonder what they will do now that they can not terrorize the neighborhood with made up violations and unnecessary costly towing.

I worry about people in the Midwest. Some are in lockdown and doing a great job of it. Others are in denial about this virus. Scary denial. They think they will be fine..and maybe they will be…but is their family okay? Did they unknowingly infect their families because they couldn’t do the right things? This virus will get you one way or another. And I hate the idea that so many will not realize their mistake until it’s to late.

This week we are told will be bad. Honestly since hearing about this virus being here in America…it’s been bad for me. It’s watching a slow motion car accident. It’s watching all the confusion and divide and misinformation and rumors and absolute denial that has had me in a constant state of “holy shit this is bad”. It’s hard to carry that around with you all day. Brief moments you forget about it all and then remember and it’s just the worst sinking feeling. I look forward to that not being a thing any longer but I’m afraid this moment won’t ever truly leave us. Like the particular sound of a plane flying low overhead hasn’t left me. Like the panic I feel when someone lifts his phone to show me something on it. Traumatic events leave a residue you can not clean off. You just sorta learn to be okay and function with a little of it on ya.

I’ve had to stop thinking too far ahead. A moment of absolute fear took over last week when I thought about what will happen when a month turns into 6 months. Yes we have immediate concerns for safety…but the economy is also going to be a huge concern down the road here. For most of us. Eventually money will run out. Then what? Uggh. I can’t.

The other fear is this upcoming election. No one has made a peep about it yet..I think we are all so terrified of saying it out loud…but what happens when people can not go to voting booths. What happens then? I think that scares me more than anything. More than this GD virus. We have already witnessed what happens with incompetent leadership. People died. The thought of 4 more years of this….I just don’t know how this country will manage that. For the first time in my life…I fear what will happen to the fate of our entire country.

But on a lighter note…a whole bunch of Christians seem to believe they are protected from this virus by “the blood of Jesus”. A saying that makes me cringe every time I hear it. My moms voice pops into my head “I plead the blood of Jesus over you, Annie.” And every time she said that I would think…”Ya could you not though..eww and creepy AF, mom.”
I was never a Christian. I was not born to think like that. I don’t know why…it’s just how my brain works. Any Christian thing I did as a kid was to keep my mother happy and not upset. Fear of god? Ha. No..I had the fear of my mother in me. It didn’t work though. I never stopped trying to be my version of normal on the down low. I just learned how to not be caught being a normal kid.

But ya…all this trump/evangelist crap…it is so triggering and nutty. It’s just another layer of “oh you think that’s messed up..well try this on!” that has plagued this country for the last 3 years. I stopped thinking “could this get worse?” because yes…yes it can get worse.

But okay…on a truly lighter note…this has really forced everyone I know including myself to really look at what truly matters in life. All this uncertainty…has made me quite certain of what I need to be doing more of and what needs to stop in my life. There is a weird clarity happening that I guess comes from moments like this. I am embracing that clarity. It feels like a gift.

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