“Maid”

I have to stop watching “Maid” in moments because it is too similar to what I experienced and very triggering. Shockingly similar. I feel like someone read my journal and took parts of it and made a series about it. I’m relieved that FINALLY someone is telling the story of what it is to be an emotionally abused single mom and not qualify for help because you were not physically abused and the joke it is to get any kind of help. I vividly remember the woman telling me I didn’t qualify for a support group because I was not hit. It was shocking and devastating to me. Because I FELT beaten to a bloody pulp. There were no support groups for emotionally abused mothers. On your own, kid. And government financial assistance…is also a joke and as they show in the series…tons of paperwork and hoops you jump through only to be told…you don’t qualify because you make too much money at your part time cleaning job. It’s why I laugh when people say folks on gov. assistance are living the good life getting free stuff. It’s an outright lie. No one would choose to live that life..if you even qualified. I told one woman “so basically I have to live in a cardboard box with my children..lose my little house…to get any kind of real help with just groceries.” Her answer..”yes…sorry”.
So government assistance was not an option. Working full time plus over time and not being with my children and every cent going to food, mortgage, gas and childcare was. I mean who has time for therapy anyway. I’m so glad this series is showing how it really is.
Also glad they are showing how easy it is to stay in that abused mind set. How easily manipulated you can be when you are at your most vulnerable. How that can go on for years and years even when you think you are far away from the source of abuse. Finally someone is telling my story and the stories of so many women out there. The women who fall through the cracks simply because they were not physically abused. Much easier to help you if we can SEE your wounds..right? This show is a flood light on mental abuse. The wounds you can’t see are just as real as the ones you can see..and just as damaging..and honestly much more complex.

I don’t talk about this much because I really don’t like to and I’ve tried to be understanding of not only my hurt..but others who are hurt. I don’t think anyone was a monster. I think they too were hurt. I have no hate in my heart..and that surprises me to be honest. I simply wish none of the bad stuff happened and I’m grateful for the good that did. Mainly my beautiful girls. I just wish all of our stories and experiences were different and we had received the help we needed. Can’t undo anything. Can’t go back. And regret doesn’t help a thing. So I share this with therapists and I keep working at not allowing it to make my decisions for me as it has in the past. Each year I learn something new about myself and why and how this particular moment in my life changed me and shaped me into who I am today. Sometimes there is progress…sometimes 10 steps back. I’m beginning to understand that this particular trauma…like grief…never really goes away..it just is something you deal with when it shows itself in hopefully more healthy ways than the last time. It’s work. It doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it and be willing to get help when you need it.
And that’s all I know so far. None of it was pretty and all of it was messy AF. I did the best I could with the tools I had in each particular moment. I am not perfect. I made mistakes. But I know without a doubt what was in my heart and who I put first and sometimes maybe I should of taken better care of myself so I was better able to take care of others. Live an learn and learn it again.

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