I’ve always been fascinated with people and how we act and why we do the things we do. Always. My entire life this has intrigued me and I people watch and observe like no one else I’ve ever known. I never understood why I got such a kick out of this until recently..and it makes complete sense to me now. Wow it makes so much sense now.
It’s how my brain works. It’s how I figure out what is expected of me in social situations and still I fail so hard with this. Still I fail to feel comfortable in my own skin and feel anything like I’m comfortable. I’m never comfortable in social settings.
I can not remember one moment in my life when I was. It’s always exhausting and always a rerun for weeks after inside my head about what I could of done or said differently. I’ve never once thought “boy Anne you hit that out of the park tonight” Never. Have I had good moments with friends? Sure! Of course! When things go easy and there isn’t a pressure to perform..and it’s just being with people I can sort of be myself with..I enjoy that greatly. It’s kind of a huge win for me and when it happens I cherish it much more than is maybe “normal”. But have I ever felt completely at ease? No. I never understood why until now. I cried many tears about this my entire life. Just wishing so much I could just feel okay. Just feel relaxed and not overthink it. I have thought many times if I could just turn my brain off for a night…then maybe I could just enjoy these moments when I’m with people who are very similar to me. I have learned this is just how it is for me. I learned to do less of it too. Staying home is easier. It sounds sad. Maybe it is sad. But for me it had better be very worth the trouble to put myself through all that I feel and think about or I just won’t do that to myself.
As an artist…there are moments when I don’t have a choice and I need to show up. Not for me..for them. Because that’s what some expect of me. That’s part of my job. And that’s really how I look at it. It’s part of my job to do the things to get my work out there and I need to perform. So on the rare occasion people misunderstood me or thought I a narcissist showing off my stuff..it makes me laugh. If these people had any idea how much I would rather stay home. If people understood how much I HATE performing and hate eyes on me. If they only knew I would rather be a faceless artist who just created and did not ever have to be anywhere but my studio…if they only knew it is absolutely the hardest thing I have to do as an artist…if they only knew. Maybe then they would stop with the snarky remarks. Maybe then they would see just how much work is involved in simply showing up.
Maybe then they would understand all the moments when I wasn’t strong enough and canceled showing up. I am misunderstood a lot. So much so during my life it did create a bit of a thick skin. But even thick skin cracks at times. I stopped trying to explain something I myself didn’t understand a very long time ago. I just accepted that some would always find a reason to feel offended by me for just being me. Not a lot I could do about that. And trying to explain it to people who already made their minds up about me is a waste of time I discovered. Cherish those who get you or try to. Let go of this idea that everyone will try to understand you if you just explain the unexplainable. Even now I think with this new information about myself…I have a feeling even that won’t be understood. I have to be secure with my knowing..and no one else truly understanding what it is like to be inside my head. I have to. Or it will ruin me. It’s not much different than the path I have traveled so far. I’m still on my own. I’m still going to be misunderstood. The difference now is I know. I know. And really that is everything to me to finally understand.
So I continue to observe. I will still be that wall flower observing how people act and behave. I am still incredibly intrigued by it and although it may never come naturally to me..or feel comfortable to me.. I have a much better understanding of why I am the way I am. I am much more who I am today then I have ever been in my life. And I’m certain I will constantly be learning more in the future. Certain of that.