An epiphany for me lately is truly understanding why it was so incredibly important for me to preach about “staying true” but at the same time not being completely true to who I really was deep inside my entire life. But I get why it was such a huge life motto for me. Why it was so important to me. Subconsciously it really was a deep yearning to feel okay with me and my things…preciously referred to as my “quirks”.
I’m now in the stage of accepting I was in survival mode for a very long time for multiple reasons..and not just the reasons that were apparent. There was much more to how and why I was in survival mode. I think the hardest part now will be in how to forget these tactics. How to learn how to be myself and who the hell I am minus all my many survival techniques. It feels incredibly daunting. A real identity crisis is what I’m feeling now. Who the fuck am I when the tough skin and layers are peeled back? Who was I before 2nd grade when I’m now realizing I first began to build those protective layers? When I am discovering I began to be aware that being me was something considered by others as something wrong and not worth it.
Oh ya…it’s getting deep. Years and years of signs and “omg that’s what it was” are flooding my mind daily. And I’m also recognizing things with my mother. So add that to the pot. And trust me..that’s a hard pill to swallow with my mother. But I’m already feeling empathy I never felt before for my mother. I am beginning to understand why she was the way she was too. And it’s a lot. To believe something your entire life only to find what you believed to be true is not…it’s a lot.
You Had To Be There… 