Today I want to share something my daughter..my youngest..wrote about bipolar disorder. Because unless you have it..or have a mother or family member who has it..you really don’t know shit about what it actually is. I knew it first through my mother who went half her life untreated for it. Then my daughter was diagnosed with it at a young age. 13 yrs old to be exact. And it was earth shaking in a way I have trouble talking about without tearing up. You do so many, many things to protect your children…you are constantly in protection mode and would throw yourself in front of a bus without a second thought to save them but with this..with bipolar..or any mental disorder..you can’t stop it from happening. You can’t protect them from their own minds and it will always and forever be the one thing I wish I could remove from her and take it onto myself. I would gladly.
My daughter Sky is the most creative and brilliant woman I know. The conversations I’ve had with her are some of my favorite and she is an absolutely brilliant writer and poet. I’ve encouraged her a million and one times to write her story down because it would no doubt help so many. The way she is able to explain things…her ability to make music with words…I will forever encourage her to write because it IS her purpose. Along with many other creative things she does that always has me in complete awe…her writing is her main gift. But the awareness she has with her disorder has always been something that has helped me understand my own mother from a perspective I didn’t have before her. I don’t think she understands the gift she was able to give me in that sense and the healing. To understand is everything to me. To anyone. To simply understand..as much as you are able without being in the same body and be able to explain that to people..and about such a deeply complex thing…is just absolutely brilliant to me. So enough of my words…my daughter Sky will explain.
Bipolar is 07/09/22 By Sky Egelund
“Something you come to understand about mental illness after a diagnosis is that 1, it is very much who you are and not just a part of you and 2, it effects you in ways that can not be simplified in a few symptoms.
People commonly associate bipolar disorder as rabid cycling mood swings that appear to be black or white. In my experience, that’s actually the most mundane part of it. What really stands out are the symptoms within mania and depression that, contrary to what is popularly believed, is not as simple as happy and sad.
The best way I can describe the moods brought on by bipolar disorder is the things you expierence are essentially fake emotions. Which is the most difficult part. If you think about it, understanding why you are feeling things you are feeling and targeting the reason you are feeling them is how we grow.. but when the things you are feeling are unnecessary and without rational explanation how do you fix it? You don’t. You ride it out and hope that you make it through.
The depression associated with bipolar feels like the world is falling apart and everything you thought you knew you no longer understood. Insecurities and anxieties keeping you from functioning properly and effectively especially to societal norms. Which in turn cause you not only a hopeless outlook on the world, but an inability to desire being apart of it. Which also leads to SH and s*cidal thoughts. Becoming much more than sadness, but instead a complete disregard for life.
With mania it’s the complete opposite. You feel like everything is right. Your on top of the world, everything you want and need is in the palm of your hands, so much so that you even can have delusions of grandeur or a god complex. Basically and irrational sense of self that causes you to believe you are much more capable than you are and much more powerful. This also means you start projects and never finish them because your mind can not focus on one thing but you sincerely believe you are capable of anything. Mania seems like a super power but anything too good to be true comes with a price. Just because you feel you are not limited doesn’t mean that’s true. Your mind is working faster than your actual physical capabilities which wears you down but you can not stop. A certain form of OCD can start to take over because you crave perfection. And the absolute worst result of mania is the inevitable switch back into depression. The impact of going from super human to nothing is much more debilitating than switching from stability. You thought you had everything figured out just to realize you know nothing, you have nothing, you are nothing. Which obviously isn’t true but convincing your brain otherwise is next to impossible.
In between the two comes mixed episodes. Which has the hyper activeness of mania but the negative outlook from depression. This leads a person to act on impulsive, cause chaos, and/or have a disconnected sense of reality. Things like delusions start to overwhelm your judgement which separates you from your self and almost generates this false reality that most of the time you don’t realize your in until it’s over. In my opinion this is the most dangerous place to be because your much more likely to act on dangerous behaviors that you were either too fatigued toentertain or too happy to care about.
Bipolar is a mood disorder, but it controls everything. It doesn’t stop at happy or sad. It’s not just symptoms. It defines you. It is you. Which isn’t a bad thing. People want to believe that mental illness is a set back, that it’s something to fear. But maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s not bad maybe it’s just different. Maybe it’s what molded you into who you are. Maybe being incapable of things doesn’t mean you can not achieve what others can easily. Maybe it just means you have to find a different route. Maybe the extra obstacles are not meant to make you weak but instead make you stronger. Maybe it’s just who you are and maybe erasing it, running from it, was what was instilled in your mind by people who don’t understand how struggling can equate to something other than suffering. Maybe you simply have a label, a definition, a diagnosis.. and maybe that has nothing to do with what you are not but instead what you are.”
You Had To Be There… 