Trapped

Trapped like a rat. Road still closed after a mudslide. No place to be anyway. But I still don’t like the trapped feeling. Even in WI I would have no trouble braving a winter or summer storm. I could leave if I wanted to. I can’t here and I don’t like it. Don’t like that I can’t go up by my girls either now that there are no fires and I’m feeling better.
I have a love/hate relationship with these damn mountains. It can be nice. But it’s more of a pain than anything. Especially when it comes to seeing my family. If they only understood the anxiety I feel driving that mountain road to big bear. On a nice day. They won’t and I don’t talk about it much because why. Nothing we can do. And I am who I am. At least I don’t beat myself up about not understanding why I’m so sensitive to things anymore. At least I don’t internally say horrible things to myself and accuse myself of being weak and stupid. Have you all met my internal voice? She is the bitch of this operation. Centuries of ancestors telling me how dare I be weak when they survived so much. And you caused all your anguish anyways..deal with it. Now that I am digging deep I am looking at her from a new perspective and wow have I been living with an angry bitch. The things she has convinced me of…well they changed the direction of my life. She also helped me survive things..but at a cost. Now I don’t embrace her anymore. Now I see her for what she is. Just feeling so much every second of the day. Just trying to make things feel okay enough to not be distracted by them so you can try to be normal and function. I did not realize all I do in a day to just feel okay. No one but someone like me will ever understand all you do. From the clothes I wear to the way things smell..light..temperature..endless things. Constant making sure that’s okay so I can just function “normally”. Then I deal with life. If any of those things are off…domino effect.

I have no place to go or be today. But it’s a change in the routine that I can’t leave if I wanted to. Change. Unexpected things. I embrace it best I can and roll with it but I never understood how much it took for me to do that. I just thought everyone did what I do. Felt like I felt. And some do..but some don’t. So trying to explain is like speaking a different language no one understands. I’ve tried in rare moments in the past. No one understands. So you shut up and deal. No one likes a burden. Don’t be a stupid, overly sensitive, burden. Just don’t. It causes more problems. Just suck it up, buttercup. You are fine. You are not dying. Be realistic. This is just life. STFU and carry on.

That wicked internal voice is still there though. She will be a hard one to make leave. She had put down roots over all these years. Now my internal dialogue is a two way convo of one being tough and unyielding and the other full of compassion and understanding. The internal struggle got more real. And I have a lot of time alone to have these convos. I’m realizing now how much I escaped by working on my art. How the act of thinking about my creations did actually save me over the years. How much it was an escape for me. It kept that voice in the background while I was so engrossed in my passion and special interest.

There’s a thing I have yet to read about. How much your special interests help you survive all the many things you don’t understand about yourself. Almost like with autism..nature provides a medicine with the disorder. What the fuck would I have done without my special interests? My music. My art. My rocks. My glass. My endless hours looking for treasures. My research of things that intrigue me. What if I didn’t have these passions? It makes me tear up. It’s just unfathomable to think about. It’s like the disorder or whatever we are calling it comes with an emergency parachute. Emergency oxygen mask. Here put this on in an emergency! And there you go..everything makes sense again. Everything is okay and right in the world.

So I guess today I grab my parachute and my oxygen and I know I will be okay. This too shall pass. I am trapped but I have tools. And I will feel uneasy today..I can’t avoid how I feel…and what a huge lesson that is to understand I don’t have to try to avoid it..but I can use my special gifts snd my special interests to survive this day. They are there for a reason. I’m really beginning to understand this a lot more and oh I love to understand.

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