For the last 10 yrs especially when I’ve been offered fruit in the morning…any kind of fruit..I turn it down. (Ya I know you would think my saying “I don’t eat fruit in the morning” would be the first clue and I wouldn’t be offered it anymore or guilted about turning it down. But nope.)
All I knew..for some reason…I could not handle eating fruit right away in the morning. Sounds weird don’t it? I can eat fruit..carefully…any other time during the day though.
Again..just thought it was another “quirk” of mine. But now that I’m paying attention to my things…and understanding not everyone feels these things…I started thinking about this particular thing of mine.
Now I never once considered myself a picky eater. I was “particular” about food I ate..not picky. Picky meant you were ungrateful in my household I was brought up in and disrespectful to folks who didn’t have all you did. So never picky. Particular about food. Now I’m beginning to look at the food part of my autism and understand some things.
Like eating fruit in the morning. Like eating fruit period. I do not hate fruit. I like a lot of different fruits. But I didn’t realize until now I absolutely am particular about it and eat it with caution. I take little bites. I test fruit. I absolutely gag at the thought of biting into a bruised, rotten spot of any fruit. And I never eat fruit in the morning while I am waking up and extra sensitive to everything. Any kind of slimy texture is an automatic no. I love kiwi..but I can not think about it too much while eating it because the texture is borderline slap your mom bad. A bitter or sour bite of fruit makes my toes curl…but in the morning it makes my whole body curl in reaction to it. Loud noise is horrible in the morning. Too much information right away in the morning makes my eyes cross. Too much anything feels more extreme to me. I have learned through out my life to be cautious in the morning with anything I eat because it can feel really bad. But I thought it was just me. I mean it sounds narcissistic in a way…but a lot of these things…I honestly believed were just me and I was messed up in some way or weird and pretty much everything about me was weird so why not this too.
So I have my ritual every single morning of slowly waking up by taking my vitamins and drinking my soy protein and having exactly 2 cups of coffee. This is my perfect way to wake up and it never EVER involves fruit. Fruit is an afternoon snack. Or late night. Never eat fruit in the morning. One fruit I have learned to be okay with..as long as it isn’t bruised and mushy..is a banana. This I have learned to eat in the morning thankfully because it is a really great fruit to start your day with. But…it also doesn’t have the potential to be sour in any way. It’s bland. I love my soy protein shake because its bland AF. No flavoring but the unsweetened almond milk I use to mix it.
So ya…no fruit in the morning. It is absolutely for sensory reasons that I avoid it in the morning. The more I learn about myself..the more I realize just how autistic I am. It’s off putting in a way. How does someone go through life..first believing they are the only one feeling these things…but second…adapting to it and figuring out all these many different little ways to not have it be seen or known? I never wanted to be a burden and appearing “not normal” led to shame or embarrassment and I hated feeling that too…so I figured out how to get around all of it when around others. I hated appearing disrespectful or ungrateful too when say offered fruit in the morning if I were a guest someplace. So yes..I figured out how to eat a piece of fruit without having to actually taste it too much. Yup. Did that. In the name of not being a “problem” or ungrateful. And this is just about fruit in the morning. This is only the fruit part of it. Being around people meant I was constantly doing these type of things to avoid questions..being pointed out or appearing picky or ungrateful. The second I was asked why I did something the way I did…horror. How do you flipping explain something you don’t really understand yourself? You don’t. It comes off shitty. It comes off entitled and shitty. So I figured out many different ways to blend in and not have any of my “quirks” put in a spotlight on a stage for all to judge.
Tell me I’m not resourceful or creative or an excellent problem solver or actress and I’ll tell you “nahh…I’m autistic..I got this.”
So no…I never eat fruit in the morning. And now I really understand why I don’t. And it’s okay! I have been actively brilliant at my kind of self care and didn’t even know it.
You Had To Be There… 