Letter to You

I am not responsible for your happiness. I am not responsible for how YOU perceive me and my actions. As long as I know without a doubt..without one single doubt that I am putting out the right kind of things and being patient and kind..I am not responsible for how you receive or don’t receive that. I am not responsible for how you FEEL. I am only responsible for how I feel and how I take care of myself and how I receive or reject things good or not good for me. I am not responsible for every single moment you are awake. You are. You are responsible for your life and your actions and how you receive information or gather information. YOU are responsible for your own self care. This is not in any way my responsibility. Never was. If you are unhappy…do something about it. But do not…DO NOT put that burden on me. I can’t carry you too and I shouldn’t have to. I can’t be responsible for both of us and our well being. I have enough on my plate. I have enough with just me. I can help you in moments and I gladly do. But I can not carry the weight of you too. I can not. I will not. It was incredibly naive of me to think at one time I could. I know my limits and I know good boundaries and honey..you have crossed my boundaries…crossed my county lines with your stuff much too often and with no apologies. And I let you. In the name of peace in my home. In the name of understanding your things and weaknesses…I let you cross over with your mess and your baggage and your unhappiness about the way life goes in moments. I let your inability to adapt…your struggle with trying to foolishly control a flowing river of life and circumstance with your bare hands…affect my well being deeply. While you grasp onto me for help..while you make me the reason you feel life hard…you pull me down with you. You are pulling me down to the depths of your pain and it’s not my pain. It’s not my responsibility to save you. It is yours. Do you hear me? Do you ever hear me? It is your responsibility to save yourself. It is your responsibility to do the work needed to save yourself.

Over and over I have made myself small for you. I have erased parts of me and tucked others away so you could feel okay. Always for you because I am okay with who I authentically am and I could spare not having all my things with me in the room we share. I had to put away those colors and that light so you could shine and feel okay. You demanded it of me. You never asked. You demanded it of me in a thousand different dysfunctional ways. But it didn’t work, did it? It couldn’t have. Because it was never ever about me and what I could do for you. It was grasping at whatever you felt gave you some kind of illusion of controlling how you felt inside. Nothing I did…nothing I do..could ever make it okay for you and this frustrated you so much. You are not mine to control. And neither am I of you. And frankly I never wanted that pointless position. I wanted a partner okay on his own and strong enough to let me be okay on my own too. You are responsible for your own. And I am responsible for my own. I would have liked to meet somewhere in the middle and simply share some things while we take care of our own.

So here we are. Messy. Frustrated. One of us trying and one always ready to give up. So go.

https://youtu.be/HRsWSIxYBBA

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