I changed my hair color when I was younger because I thought being a natural blonde made people not take me seriously or they treated me differently because humans do have this weird thing they do where hair color matters in their perception of who they believe you are and how intelligent you are.
I always felt dumb. I always felt like I didn’t understand things like my peers did. Any way I could prevent from feeling that way..I would try just to feel somewhat normal. Always this life long pursuit to feel normal and part of a group. I noticed when my hair wasn’t blonde..I wasn’t looked at as much too. I didn’t like being noticed..like that. Noticed (seen) and valued yes. Looked at constantly while out in public..nah. Hate that. Very uncomfortable to me.
I shut my mouth a lot too. I didn’t say what I wanted to say becagse it seemed like every time I did..it was wrong or misunderstood or..funny when I wasn’t trying to be funny. I never knew what to say. I never knew how to be cool and natural. I always felt like a freak. Constantly going over what I did say after being with people and what I could have said had my brain just been able to think for a second. Always rehearsing what I could say in advance to a meet up and of course forgetting it all in the moment I needed it. Brain freeze I called it. Always with the brain freeze. So bad that I could be asked my child’s name and I would be blank for a second. How embarrassing. Your own child?? How would that look to others.
But ya I was thinking about my hair color today and how even that was directly related to this constant want to be understood but not feel like I was on a stage. Even this..had purpose and reason for me to simply be treated normal. All these many things I did to just fit in somehow. Just feel comfortable. Most worked a little but it never made me magically become anything other than what I was. So I hid that a lot. If I didn’t know how to be I just shrunk back into the shadows where it was safe. Always making myself small. Always against a wall. Always finding ways to feel okay in my own skin and avoid embarrassment and feeling humiliated. So many little survival skills I developed. So many ways I dressed up or dressed down and always in this pursuit to appear something other than what I was inside. For someone who preached so much about “staying true”…in moments…I feel like such a hypocrite.
You Had To Be There… 