Staying Home This Go

So decision was made to not take a trip out to the Midwest this week. I’ll be staying home to work and start my next project. Disappointed because I won’t be able to visit people I really wanted to see but for the best this go. I just think right now..and with the circumstances of my partner not being okay..this is too much for me personally to try and deal with. I am making a hard choice to step back. Even though disappointing because I REALLY wanted to see my dad this go…it will just be too much with all that has happened recently in my home.

I’m actually really looking forward to uninterrupted time to REALLY work on my art. I know that sounds super nerdy and recluse like…but for me…it’s perfection to just be home alone for weeks and weeks working with absolutely no distractions. Its my happy and for the first time in my life I don’t have to feel weird about that. Giving myself permission to just be me with no apologies. That’s what I think growth looks like. I don’t have to feel any sort of guilt about just being me. I never realized until recently just how much I beat myself up for simply being me and how that really negatively affected me internally. What a nervous and anxious mess I’ve been walking around carrying that inside me every day for…ever. And I do think my generalized anxiety disorder was ultimately and directly created by my autism disorder and trying to be something I wasn’t every second of the day. I would really like to work towards not feeling that anxiety so hard any longer. And I’m still set on not using meds to accomplish this..but open to it should I fail at everything else. But honestly I feel like changing how I think..about myself and what kind of situations I try forcing myself to do with no accommodations to my autism…I do think this will change a lot with the anxiety I deal with. I already feel it changing. I already feel a tremendous amount of relief with simply knowing what all of this is now. I respond very well to information. I’ve always known I am a walking information sponge and the more I understand..the better I do. I don’t just know and learn things. I actively use the information. No different with this.

So ya…time alone is a welcomed gift right now. An absolute gift. I’m still accepting my autism diagnosis. Still having flashback moments of myself as a child and what things really were. It’s a weird thing to realize your reality in a different light. I don’t know anything to compare it with. I just know I need to sit with it and understand it from a different perspective and ease myself into this new understanding about myself. I am not feeling too much regret or loss but I am in moments feeling something like loss. I guess for the identity I’ve only known. Loss for my familiar..even if it wasn’t ideal. Loss is loss. Grief is grief. No matter what it is about..there is still a process of letting go.

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