I Am Not Stupid

One of the autistic traumas I have experienced is to be made to feel I am stupid my entire life. I am not stupid. And at times I am able to think outside the box much easier and better than most. Sometimes I can’t think quick enough though and I have a hard time processing stuff and need a second. It’s a deep one for me. A deep hurt to constantly be misunderstood or not understand something simple that everyone else gets but because my wheels turn slower and dissect ALL information I receive…if I even hear it correctly…I’m not able to give an immediate answer. (Why being called on in class to answer a question was HELL.) In this world not built for slow processing…it’s an automatic she is an idiot. End of story. That’s never felt fair to me because it isn’t fair. We are all different. Why is there only one way??

This particular trauma is one where if I see someone being treated like they are stupid I see red and fire and I can not hold myself back from saying something or defending them. My close friends..coworkers all have stories about this with me. The only trouble with my feeling any emotions intensely is it exhausts me. It throws me hard. I pay the price for stepping out of my head and defending people. Physically and emotionally. But I’ve never regretted one moment when I stood up for someone and I love my strong sense of justice and fairness towards others. I just wish it was returned in moments. The lonely side of this is its not returned a lot and you’re forever on your own kid!

Sometimes I do need help. Sometimes I do need a moment to process. Sometimes I do need words repeated a few times because I swear it sounds like a different language to me. I’ve never understood until now why. I’m not stupid. I just process things slower.
While your brain processes surface information quickly. Mine holds every part…turns it around..looks at it for a bit…then comes to the conclusion and gives answers.
Imagine a life time of assumptions about you simply because enough time wasn’t given. It’s why I can communicate better online and not in person. The exception is in how comfortable I feel around someone. Then the rivers in my brain flow and the wires easily push information through quicker than my normal and I’m accused of being a talker with a lot to say. Me. A chatterbox. Quiet introverted me. Now you know why and you should feel good about being that someone I can freely express myself to.

But ya…I’m feeling that trauma a lot right now while I remember so many memories about this particular thing and how it affected me. Now I understand why I shut down. Or turned it up. Now I know why I felt what I felt and reacted the way I have. I don’t think this is something that will just go away. I think I will always be and feel on the defense about what I’m capable of with my intelligence. Mostly because I’m always going to be autistic and thinking the ways I do while living in a world not set up or made for me. Not a lot I can do about that but share my story. Talk about it so others begin to understand intelligence should not be based on how quickly you have the answer. It’s not that black and white. It’s a god damn spectrum. Humans are complex and it amazes me how often humans ignore that we are.


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