Sound. I am autistic and my hearing is so intense. How did I not understand this one thing was so very different. I guess you just are who you are and while some things are very noticeable..others are just all you have ever known inside your own body. You just don’t think about it. You just figure how to be with it.
So glad I upgraded my phone data to unlimited for these days when I have no power where I live. I can at least have a tv on which helps with the lack of electricity ”hum” or the lack of sound of the fridge running on a regular pattern throughout the day.
I hear EVERYTHING so when this normal is disrupted my brain notices it and it makes me feel off and irritated. I never understood this until now. I just assumed I was irritated that I didn’t have the convenience of not having electricity. But it hit me today when I realized how eerily quiet it is inside my home that this was different and odd feeling and Omg it’s a change in my normal and what I hear throughout the day and this messes with me. Having a hot spot with my phone data so I can have my iPad on with my slingtv going is brilliant. I can play music too so I have tools to keep this irritating nagging thing I feel a bit at bay.
The biggest thing about this diagnosis for me is the many different tools I am collecting because of it. Life. Changing. I am shocked at how much this is changing my life every single day. Shocked. I can’t believe how huge these everyday things I just lived with and accepted and didn’t even know I was different about feeling..are now suddenly THERE. You just don’t think about things like this. You just are. You just find many different ways to survive being you. But you don’t really think about your daily existence. Why would you if you thought you were just odd and maybe overly sensitive and just like everyone else feeling what they feel too. What would be the motivation to help yourself…find tools? Life changing. And the ways it is…feel endless. This is going to be years of discoveries. That hit me today too. This isn’t going to be a few months transition and I’ll have it all figured out. This is my brain. This is super complex and connected to so many sensory things. I’m just in awe at how amazing this is. I mean knowing now. It’s always felt hard to be me. I always knew I was different from people around me. But I just blamed it on childhood trauma. I thought I was broken..not just different…broken. I don’t know anyone who could understand this every day existence than those late diagnosed with autism. There is no comparison that I can think of or find. Your very existence is turned on it’s head when you get diagnosed. Everything you thought you knew…isn’t what you thought it could be. Everything. It makes you feel a bit upside down. A bit like floating above your body while you try to connect dots.
I can’t imagine not documenting this. What a unique experience I am experiencing. lol I mean this is nuts. In a good way. In a sad way. In a I would rather know than not kind of way. It’s hard. There is no easy about this journey of real self discovery. But I feel incredibly lucky I didn’t have to go my entire life not knowing. Now I can leave a road map for my family. Now I can leave a road map for others like me. I get to change the narrative again! I am so thankful for my different little neurodivergent brain. As hard as it can be..as much as I have struggled…I really wouldn’t want to be anyone else. The good I have found outweighs the bad. I hear..see..feel the tiniest little details. I get to experience things that most can not and never will. And now I know how to harness those intense things I feel. Or manage them in moments. Or treat them when they feel too much. Now I get to learn how to live inside my neurodivergent brain. I feel such intense gratitude for the opportunity.
My work in progress at the moment is about my sound sensitivities. I’m just going to keep talking about this until I don’t need to anymore. Telling my story from these mountains..one word..one artwork at a time.