How to Ask for Help

The hell if I know. I’ve tried. Everyone has their own lives going on. I’m an adult. I’m supposed to pick myself up by my bootstraps. I’m supposed to have a retirement plan. A savings. A home. Family who can take me in after a break up. Now even a car I won’t have soon. (If won’t pass the smog test. Runs great! But won’t pass and very expensive to fix.) I’m supposed to be married and sharing my life with someone and celebrating anniversaries and stuff like that. I have none of it. I failed. I tried and tried and I failed. I’ve tried to get out of this relationship many times now. Left two times. Was determined to stay gone. Couldn’t do it. Something always happened that was way worse. This will be the last time now. I can’t do this to myself anymore. But I don’t know what to do. I have no place to go. I can’t even live in my car. My body hurts bad. I can’t do what I used to do. I pushed myself too hard already. My entire life has been a struggle and I just don’t have it in me at the moment. But I can’t stay. I can’t do it anymore. The abuse is bad. It makes no sense and always blindsides me. I never see it coming. Makes more sense now why I don’t. I just wouldn’t do the things done to me. I would never hurt someone like this. Insult them. Belittle them. Even in retaliation it makes no sense. I don’t want to be that person. I just want to go. I don’t want to lose myself completely to this. I just want to leave and provide for myself and never feel trapped again. I don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t want to burden anyone or feel how embarrassing it is that I’m that stupid woman who got burned again by the same asshole. I don’t know how to ask for help this time. Maybe I don’t feel I deserve it deep inside. Maybe the abuse did it’s purpose and beat me up too much now. Maybe I am really broken this time. Beyond repair.

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