When I was younger I would have this strange (to me) reaction from people when I smiled. If I smiled they would stop and make a point to say “oh my goodness you have a beautiful smile”. I HATED IT SO MUCH. It embarrassed me and I did not like to be looked at like that and pointed out. I learned if I smiled more I could avoid this surprised reaction and yucky feeling this gave me. Remember…I really was a constant observer of behavior and trying to understand how to exist by either copying or adapting to people around me. Well as usual with me..I took it next level. Then I started earning the nickname “smiley”. At the time I thought “oh Christ now what have I done because “smiley” was not me at all. But all these different places and people I was around gave me this nickname. My uncles. My coworkers…groups of friends and acquaintances in different moments in my life. In hindsight…I can see I was trying to fit into the background and be ”normal”. Always the goal. Just be “normal”. What do people want? Okay I’ll do that. My version of what I believed people wanted.
Now I understand it as I wasn’t a smilely kid at all so when I did smile..it was a very noticeable difference in my blank or angry looking face. When I smiled more..since people seemed to like that better and if I did it consistently..it wasn’t pointed out and it I didn’t feel uncomfortable around people or put on a stage.
The things I’m realizing from a different perspective are endless. I was born autistic and every step of the way..all of it now has an explanation. A million different things. I don’t know how to explain how this feels. I just need to write about it and Art about it. Those who know…will understand. And maybe those who don’t..will get a better idea about all of it. And maybe…those who have their own questions..will relate and begin their journey. It’s how it happened for me. Someone said the things out loud. It is the reason I was diagnosed and even on this journey of understanding it all. I want others to know it’s okay. They are not broken. They are not weird. They are okay and there are many others out here who feel and experience the exact same or similar things.
You Had To Be There… 