I’ve not had a “normal” to me Christmas since I arrived in CA. Eleven years now. And since being with my bf…it’s become a day or lead up to a day where he has some sort of mental breakdown and I end up crying and upset and confused about why he can’t just find something to be happy about. It’s true what they say…the happiest appearing people are usually the ones who deal with depression and deep dark demons. It’s why I don’t trust too happy people. I’ve known too many “life of the party” people who are not okay behind closed doors.
I’m afraid I don’t like Christmas anymore. I hold my breath through it now. I wish so much to spend it with my daughters but they have their own lives and when we do try to make it happen..weather happens or circumstances like this time where I need to get a car happen and I need to do it now before something happens where I can’t. Breaks my heart every time. I miss having a normal to me Christmas. Making a meal with my daughters. Going by my sisters or parents house. Just dumb normal. Nothing fancy. Didn’t have to be. Just needed to be with my people.
This morning I woke up in a too small rv trying to get the coffee ready and yup…here we go..he is in a mood. Apparently I put too much water in the coffee pot that we heat up on the stove and “it will take forever now”. It won’t…but okay. Here we go. Merry Christmas to me. He always makes the coffee so the one time I do of course I should just magically know how he does it. But it’s not about the coffee. It’s about what ever Christmas demon he fights every year. The one that makes him take it out on me. The one that isn’t happy until I’m exhausted of ignoring the mood and trying to be happy anyway.
This can’t be healthy..feeling like this. Suppressing the hurt all the time. Feeling so alone. Wishing I was anywhere but here. Especially on Christmas. When I can finally leave…I’m going to have the most beautiful Christmas I’ve ever had in my life. I’ll have my daughters and grand children near and I will have the Christmas of 11 years put into one. To make up for it all. To right the wrong. These little thoughts are what get me through. These little flames I keep burning quietly to myself. I hope I can someday. I hope I can make it to the other side and do the things that make me happy that are never once touched by negativity and disapproval. Just pure happy. Simple happy. All good and happy moods in one room and old traditions happily sitting together at a table.
It’s funny how every year I try to believe this year will be different. Forever the optimist. And I do believe I will eventually be free of this negative life I’ve found myself trapped in at the moment. Would prefer it be soon. Just my own little place to have a happy Christmas at. A steady income making and teaching my art. A used vehicle that passes CA smog tests. And my family near. I really don’t want a lot. I am really quite content with the basics.