Sound Sensitivity Part II

The wind moving through the rv makes flute type sounds..three different notes. For a second I was wondering if our neighbors were playing a flute but I figured it out that it happened with the wind blowing. Very faint but I can hear them. My BF can not hear them. One of my autistic things is hearing sounds others cant hear. (I hear the buzz of electricity all the time.)
Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes this makes my brain feel like it’s seizing out and I can’t think (brain freeze) and feel incredibly (crawl out of my skin) irritated and angry. Absolutely no sound (like when the electricity is out) can do the same thing to me. I need something going on. The sound of the wind is soothing to me but being in the wind and feeling it can either be super irritating or super calming. I am constantly two different people inside my head. Constantly opposites. One thing can give me two entirely different feelings.

I’m not sure why this is but learning it is part of my autism. I always made the comment that I was complex AF. I knew this at least. I just didn’t know why and didn’t have anyone else talking about it so just thought it was me. But you know most of this stuff I didn’t think about a lot. It just was. When you are in your head…in your’s not really something you dwell on everyday. You just exist as you are and what you’ve always known. You learn what feels good and what doesn’t and in hindsight there were many things I learned to do to avoid the bad feelings if possible. You adapt. You don’t make it a thing as much as possible because you learn people do not understand it anymore than you do. Just shut up and cope. Don’t be a problem. Don’t be weird. Blend in..suppress suppress…when you get home you can relax.

The sound of leaves in the wind is probably the same very relaxing sound to me as rain or ocean waves. My top three relaxing sounds next to white noise. My brain feels open and relaxed with these sounds.

A car engine in idle makes me want to punch something. I really can’t stand it. There is a car in idle right now at this rv park and it cancels out the nice wind sound. My head hurts. Make it stop. My brain feels squeezed. Now they finally drove off and my brain feels relief.

Fascinating shit. I have become my own autism case study. I make note of this shit all the time now. Frida painted herself because she was her best subject she knew to paint. I study myself for the same reasons. Maybe she did it to improve and understand how to paint better. Same. I’m trying to understand how to exist better.


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