Or rather..when I am FEELING at my best…I am a strong, open minded, creative, independent and an insightful woman. I am wise..I am kind..and I am an excellent listener. I am also very intuitive of others needs. I think it’s this in particular..the intuition..that was and is a main reason why I had and have any close friends at all. And I think it’s because I am autistic and my natural quest to understand humans and behaviors my entire life..the way I would study people from across a room and notice why they behaved the way they did and used it to navigate my own life..I developed an understanding of what was needed in any particular moment with another human in distress. I also used my own needs and desires to figure this out. Very much a “what would I want said to me or done for me in a moment of being upset or uncomfortable” program going on in my mind. I have always naturally been a “put yourself in their shoes” kind of human. I also think being who I was and experiencing the pain and neglect I experienced helped me build a hell of a lot of empathy for others. As straight forward as I am..sometimes to a fault…I also can feel it personally when someone is not okay. Not so much relate although I do relate. But FEEL it. I take it on as my own feelings in moments. I am very much in that boat with that someone and it’s something I’ve had to be careful with. Especially in moments when I see someone being mistreated. Their mistreatment is my own and I don’t shy away from calling it out. The only trouble with my defending those in need is how much it takes out of me personally and how long it takes for me to recover from it. No regrets ever..but it does exhaust me and the adrenaline rush I feel is very intense.
I am proud of who I am in these moments. I am glad I am who I am and not afraid to say something. It’s true what they say..”bullies only understand their own crap being thrown back at them.” But in hindsight and life experience I understand now that’s because the same was initially done to them. They understand it because it puts themselves back into a moment of being treated unfairly as well. I’ll gladly be your mirror..if that’s what you need in a moment to snap out of it and think about what you’re doing to someone. But that’s it. All I can manage to do without hurting myself. You’ll have to figure the rest out for yourself.
When I am at my best..when I’m looking out at the world through my confident eyes…I really like who I am. When I am focused and secure I feel invincible. When I am feeling comfortable in my environment and in my own skin..and I have many moments like this in between my feeling all I feel on a daily…I know exactly what to do. I know exactly who I am and where I want to go. I wanted to say this all because I think sometimes I feel very much not in control of things and for the most part I am not in control of what I feel every day. But it’s not every day and it’s not every moment. I am not walking chaos every moment of my life. If I were I wouldn’t have achieved what I have. Something in me had the strength and conviction and confidence to own a home..raise children..travel..become an artist and build my career from the ground up. I didn’t do all that while being completely overwhelmed constantly or feeling the executive dysfunction I sometimes feel. There is a huge part of my personality that feels if I can just figure it out in a way that works for me..I can do anything. When I am at my best…I CAN do most things well. And I am proud of that. Maybe more proud of that than I’ve ever been now that I understand it really was harder for me. I wasn’t imagining it was. I now KNOW it was. And that’s something I also need to remind myself of. Somewhere among all the hardships and all the doubt and all the feels…there is a confident woman who paved her own way against all odds. What more can I accomplish now that I am learning about the tools I need in the hard moments too? What more can I do while I figure out the “whys” to so much of my life? While I become more comfortable with who I really am..while I sort this all out and it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it did in the beginning of my being diagnosed as autistic. When I feel confident me…will it be more intense now or simply level out and I’ll be what is referred to as “well rounded”? Time will tell. Today I am acknowledging the good. Today I celebrate the side of me who knows I can and will.
You Had To Be There… 