How I Feel Inside My Head

I like this AI generated photo of me because this is what I feel like inside my head. I do not in anyway feel like I’m 50 yrs old. My body does. (Lordy does it ever.) My mind doesn’t. I could of just left my parents house at 17 yrs old…that’s around the age I feel most of the time. I know way more than I did then and have experience I didn’t then so I am mature in most my thoughts and able to “be” an adult. I get by mostly. But I also still think about a lot of things in the same manner I did at a younger age. This always becomes super apparent when I am around my peers of the same age. And this is actually one of the things I like about myself and am grateful for when I think about how my brain processes things differently. And why I would never want to have a different brain. I personally feel it is to my advantage to still understand what it feels like to think in an uninhibited way as a younger person. I still get excited about the same things. I never really feel alienated from people who are younger. Or older sometimes with the right people. I have a thing in me that sees everyone on the same playing field. (Bosses hate this.) I still feel wonderment and amazement and pure joy about things that other people seem to forget or leave locked up in a trunk with all their childhood..younger adult memories. Mine are not locked up. They are as present as they were when each experience happened.

This must be related to how we as neurodivergent’s have a hard time moving on from something. Because it actually does often feel like it happened yesterday to me. Good or bad experiences. How our brains remember things others forget. How I can remember being very young and being held by my mother or family member. Very vivid memories. I’m certain it’s why I still feel a certain age inside my head and always have.

But ya..they say we all have an image of how we look when looking out from inside ourselves. And this is how I feel I look when I look out into the world. If that makes sense. It’s not how I look on the outside or what I see in the mirror. I’m older now. I have wrinkles and saggy bits. But how I genuinely feel..is this.

Someone said to me recently…”these generated images are cute but it may be harmful to your perception of what you really look like.” I don’t understand that. I’m not ignorant of what I look like in reality. I fully know this isn’t what I see in the mirror and I’m not trying to convince anyone that this is in anyway accurate to what I look like. It’s a fricking cartoon. It’s a fantasy..cartoon image of me. I would have to be pretty delusional to think I could convince people this is exactly me. It’s obviously not. I don’t understand how that would be harmful unless you really have a hard time grasping reality. Then maybe. But for me personally..it’s just fun and accurate to how I feel inside. And I don’t really care if people don’t understand that or think it immature. There’s a lot to say about not caring what people think in moments about certain things. If only I could shut off that part of my brain in others. What an easier time I would have not worrying about what anyone thinks. For the most part..I don’t. I genuinely don’t care. You do you..I’ll do me..live and let live..is my general attitude. But I’m still human. I still want to feel accepted and liked. I want to fit in and not looked at like I am a weirdo or dumb. I just don’t care about it as much as society deems reasonable in most moments. And I do feel I am at my best when I don’t care and can just be authentically me. There is freedom to that.

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