My Monday

My bank I’ve had for years was recently bought by another bank and so far I’m following word for word instructions to get signed into my new account with them and it’s not working. Now I will have to call them. I don’t think people understand how this little task can be so overwhelming and have me feel completely at a loss and extremely agitated. I FEEL extremely itchy throughout my entire body. My brain feels squeezed. I feel jumpy and anxious. First because im dealing with a change. (My brain hates ANY change of routine.) And second because I was told what to do and I’ve reread this document too many times to count weeks leading up to this so I do each step correctly and it still isn’t working. This messes with my logic. It should work. It isn’t and there is no reasonable explanation. My breathing is shallow and I need to step away for second.

Now I know I need to get myself calm before I call this bank person. (Hence why I’m writing this down at the moment.) In the past I would of franticly called rifgt away because in MY brain it’s telling me there is a real fight or flight situation going on and my heartbeat rate is up and I’m probably going to have a harder time processing this persons words because I’m genuinely in a real to me panic. All this that I’m feeling because of two little things that neurotypical people don’t think twice about..change in a routine and unexpected results while trying to accomplish a task after spending so much time and effort to make absolute certain I understand what I need to do to accomplish this task.

That’s my life in my brain.
Feeling things so intensely and being so sensitive to any sort of change it can throw my entire day off and lead to an autistic meltdown. (For me in the past meltdowns are tears of frustration and a horrible inner self voice telling me I’m stupid and to get a grip and if anyone is near me..possibly barking at them or being short with them because I don’t know how to regulate or control what all I’m feeling through my entire body.)
And that’s hard to admit. Thats hard to type out loud. This has only been something I personally dealt with alone. I wouldn’t dare try telling anyone because I know exactly what the response would be. “Anne it’ not that big of a deal..settle down.”
Except for me it is a big deal. It is, it is, it is and I can finally say that and know it is. For my neurotypical brain it is a very big deal.

I need to talk about the every day things I experience because this is what being autistic is to me personally. Now imagine not knowing this was why and what you were feeling. Your entire life. No explanation. You just thought you were stupid and weirdly overly sensitive and just broken. The disconnect you feel from others knowing this inside. The distrust you feel about your own abilities with just every day life. The anxiety that built up over the years of these little to most people things that had no explanation and no where to go. It just all sat in my head. I lived with my feels alone the majority of the time. To tell someone was not an option. And again…if you don’t know exactly what you are feeling or do you then explain it to a Dr or therapist let alone a parent or partner or friend. I did not know how to and most of the time these things passed and I moved on to the next round of wtf. I can’t stress enough how much I thought it was just me being dumb. A dr or therapist doesn’t fix dumb. They fix depressed or anxious. Not dumb. So that’s why I never pursued looking into it. It was all I ever knew inside my brain. Depression was not my norm so when I was in abusive situations…and experienced depression from these situations..THEN I asked for help. But all these other daily things were not something worth mentioning. Not that it would of helped anyway in the 90s and early 2000s. I very well might of been misdiagnosed and put on meds for the entirely wrong reasons. In hindsight I think I avoided a lot of things that may have hurt me further by simple timing and what professionals even knew about autism. I’m glad in a way I wasn’t able to explain it then. I see now it wasn’t the time.

Now is the time. It happened the way it needed to and my feelings of regret for something I ever had..(understanding)..are becoming less by the day. In a perfect world…sure..I would of liked to know sooner. But timing wasn’t right for that and fighting with that in my mind feels so pointless. Feeling bad about what never was…I just can’t at this point. I still have a lot to learn and process. I don’t have time for feeling remorse too.

My breathing has leveled out. I feel calmer. Here goes nothing. Making the call to the bank now. Let’s do this.


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