Have you ever went most of your life not understanding why you felt SO MUCH anxiety and electricity running through every cell and vein in your body with particular loud noises?
No explanation. No reason. You were just weird like that..none of your peers that you knew of were like that and you just dealt with it alone because how do you explain something you don’t fully understand yourself. You had to work in a loud factory environment every single day because those were the jobs you could be hired for without a college education and that had you absolutely exhausted at the end of each day not so much from the physical labor (although that was intense too) but from every single loud machine noise your brain was trying to process. And yes you were wearing ear plugs. Didn’t matter. But you didn’t know it was the noise. You had no explanation besides that you just must be weaker than everyone else around you at physical labor or something. You were just weak. Imagine experiencing non stop adrenaline..fight or flight rushes all day long and instead of understanding what exactly you were feeling..using that adrenaline you were feeling like a case of red bull and working your ass off in a factory because you needed to and genuinely wanted to do a good job and keep up if not run past everyone to cover how poorly you felt about your abilities to deal. You were never in competition with anyone but yourself. You were basically trying to outrun what you felt and prove to yourself that you were capable and could keep up with everyone else by pure brut force and determination. You did not want to be a burden. You wanted more than anything to just be “normal” and keep up and provide for your family. If there was a will…there was a way.
No wonder there were moments where I didn’t even make it to my bed after work. I would sit down on my sofa and pass out from exhaustion only to wake up in time to go to work again. But it was more than just physical labor. It was mental labor. It was mentally holding on so hard and not understanding my neurodivergent brain was in full on emergency and overwhelmed mode every single day I worked in those loud factories. No wonder why I struggled with these jobs. No wonder why I genuinely enjoyed cleaning businesses and houses on my own in a very different noise level environment and could turn on my music and ear buds and be and FEEL okay. I think besides working in my studio it was the only time I felt okay on a job and why I gravitated to cleaning. I don’t enjoy cleaning. I enjoy that it is the one job that did not in any way make me feel horrible.
Now imagine you finally understand what exactly it was and why. And it has a name. It has a frickin name. And now you understand just how badly you were hurting yourself over so many years on a daily basis. Not just physically. You think about the many times you felt so much anxiety and frustration that you couldn’t explain why you were feeling it. It was simply your normal. You would never feel okay. This was just your reality. I guess everyone else might feel this too and just doesn’t talk about it in the same way I don’t. That must be it. Or maybe it is just me. This constant questioning in my head. Is it just me or not. WTF is wrong with me? Why does everything feel so much harder for me?
Now I know. Now I know!! I am in fact autistic. I wasn’t weak. I was wired different. I felt things more. I really genuinely couldn’t help but feel it more. I have a real disability in moments and situations and I can do things differently to accommodate it and treat it. I don’t have to prove anything ever again to myself or others. I can just…be…me.
Life changing.
I am in the throes of existing in an entirely different way. The way I should of been from the start. I am not in any way weak or dumb. Or even alone. I actually went above and beyond given my being autistic in situations that should of absolutely broken me. And almost did in moments. And it absolutely did hurt me over the long run in hindsight. Now I know I need to take care of myself better. Now I know I was in survival mode and I was doing things that were in fact hurting me and now I know how to not hurt myself any longer. Going forward…I have the tools to be kinder to myself.
To know is everything. I can’t explain that enough. I am in awe daily of the things I am discovering and the dots I am connecting about who I authentically am and how this is changing my life for the better. Dwelling on or thinking about what could of been..I only allow moments of this. I allow myself the process of grieving to avoid the pitfalls of not dealing with it. I do not want nor need bitterness and resentment to grow from something that has already affected my life so deeply. I don’t have time for that. So much life in..I want the rest of it to be focused and thought out as best it can..knowing what I know now.
You Had To Be There… 