And Just Like That…

….a whole new world and way to exist..better. I’ve had my new noise reduction ear plugs for a week. I’ve used them countless times now and it is nothing short of going a lifetime needing eye glasses to finally be able to see things clearly. The way I feel when I am in a situation with loud noise or a lot going on and the difference of how I feel when I put these ear plugs in my ears is UNBELIEVABLE. I just can not explain adequately the way my anxiousness is suddenly…GONE.

Are you telling me…all these years…all these many, many years…all I needed were ear plugs??? WHAT???? Again…life changing. I can not believe this simple fix has this huge of an effect on how I FEEL. I immediately ordered another pair for situations where I’m in a place with a lot of people talking. I will forever have these in my purse or on my person for the numerous situations where prior I simply felt uncomfortable and anxious and struggled to just think. I want to laugh and cry. I can’t begin to explain the many moments when just these little ear plugs alone would of helped me make decisions in my life. I had no idea it was sound sensitivity alone that was making things so much harder to just exist.

I had NO IDEA this played such a huge part in the year after year of built up anxiety that would lead to my feeling SO fragile at the moment and result in my being diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. Had I only known. The many situations I would not have left early to get away from how I was feeling. The MANY misunderstandings of why Anne was taking off or slipping out the back door because of sound alone being too much. How did I not put two and two together? I only knew I felt anxious and exhausted and I just couldn’t be in a place any longer. I just accepted I would be misunderstood and pegged a party pooper. I accepted it. I didn’t like it but I accepted that I was “that kid” and was overly sensitive.

What that does to you over the years. Unless you live a similar life…you just wouldn’t understand the mental anguish of knowing you are different from others but not knowing why and you are just weak and dumb. I blamed so much on trauma. And rightly so. There was trauma. But it went so much deeper. It went to my core. It was me and my brain this entire time. And that knowledge is deep. It is horrible and wonderful at the same time. I am in a constant state of grief..wonderment and relief now. And it is exhausting but for a reason explained now.

Holy shit. I am autistic. I have real sound sensitivities that have very much controlled my existence in a sometimes very loud world. A world not set up for me to exist in comfortably. A world where I need tools to keep up and feel okay in. Ear plugs. Just little ear plugs have again changed my life. I don’t know how to explain how grateful I feel to know this now and have more tools.

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