The thing I’ve never quite understood..the way I was treated by men. The way I viewed who I was in relation to my sexuality and how very intimidating it could be with some. Female or male. I am a woman..but I never felt like I was a typical woman. I never understood the social rules and why I was expected to behave differently from men. I played the game and that’s all it ever was to me. A game. A dance. I’ll entertain you but I’m not a player or willing participant in this game. I’m acting. I’m doing what I watched in movies. I’m romantically inclined to a point. I learned quickly that life is not anything like a Disney movie or cartoon. It’s much darker. It’s much more hypocritical and I simply don’t belong. But I’ll play your game. Until it no longer serves me. Until you get mean and disrespectful. Until you want me to play the game all the time and my true identity is lost.
The expectations of me was to submit. To bury what I really felt and really wanted..which was just to have a friend and be treated equally. I tried to fake it once. It was a disaster. I could not fake being okay with being treated like I belonged in a box because I was born a particular sex. It made no sense to me and never will. Maybe I chose wrong with who I invited into my life. Most likely. But even the “good guys” had this expectation that I stay in my lane. Even the good guys wanted some sense of control and authority. Even the good guys wanted to feel they ultimately held the power. And I could not fake being okay with that.
I had people throughout my life tell me maybe I was gay. I myself questioned it at times. But I think you know…I think you can figure that out quite early on and either make a choice to accept or deny that. I think what it really was about me was I didn’t and couldn’t see the point of this unspoken rule of a sexual hierarchy. I think I invited people into my life who felt threatened with my ease to just be a human with no added labels or rules to define me. And in that sense it made them question their idea of what their role was. I also think..that some weren’t able to fulfill their role of who they believed they were with me so of course it wasn’t them..it must be me. I was the one wrong in this setup. It must be me and that projection was what made me question my own sexuality.
How little of them to put their insecurities on me. To make me the problem or some kind of threat in a relationship. Women did this too. Tried to define me. Tried to make me the villain. I had even less respect for women who tried to do the same to me because they out of anyone should know better how that felt. To me it was the equivalent of the oppressed telling the oppressed to make peace with being oppressed. It was the assumptions and again insecurities come to play in a game I wasn’t playing.