I’m super over stimulated with the whole working on my new website.
Silly huh? I used to think so. Except this is my life. This is my “normal”. Brain will not turn off until I’m absolutely exhausted and I’ve finished every last bit of whatever I was hyper focusing on. Before I would of just thought to myself why can’t I handle this..this isn’t that big of a deal for everyone else..why is everything so extra for me?
Well I know why now. And as much as it helps me to crank things out to hyper focus on a task I have to really think about and leave no stone unturned…it’s also absolutely exhausting. It makes doing other things harder and more frustrating. It requires me (for my health) to take a moment to do nothing and regroup. Or do “light things” I don’t have to think about too much. This is how my brain works and recovers. In a lot of ways I did self care before knowing I was autistic/adhd. But it always came with this voice inside my head telling me “wtf is wrong with you? Why are you so sensitive??”
Oh but Anne I think you’re making too big a deal about this. Ya. Welcome to my inner voice as long as I can remember. I thought this too for a very long time. This is what I told myself for years and years. All the moments when I pushed myself to keep going and ignore what I was feeling because everyone else didn’t blink about it. They just pushed through. That’s what you do..you push through that hard part when you’re jogging and you feel like you are going to collapse. (Why I don’t jog either.) You just grit your teeth and get the F through it.
Too many years I hurt myself doing that. I see that now. I am told my generalized anxiety disorder is from a whole lot of pushing through and not taking care of myself. Trying to keep up. Ignoring my limits. Ignoring my brain and body screaming that it needed rest. Even now I need to make myself stop. Force myself to just sit for a day and not take on too much when I feel that familiar exhaustion creeping up. I’ve trained myself to ignore a lot of things I’ve felt and now the process of not ignoring what I feel can be quite the bugger to remember. Old bad habits are hard to shake. And this one especially can be viewed from the outside as lazy and “extra”. And what’s worse than internal judgement? External judgement. The thick skin I’ve developed over the years doesn’t quite cover the viewed as lazy part. I think especially here in America..rest can often times be seen as lazy or incompetent. Oh and if you are an artist..a whole other layer of judgement happens. It’s really why it’s hard for me to feel like I fit in with my peers as well. No wonder why some are not quite right. They are fricking exhausted and trying to live up to this silly expectation that you must suffer for your work and be consumed by it…and literally break legs over it. I often think…they are probably neurodivergent too..but the really in denial sort. The really not self aware sort.
But anyway…today I rest. I am not fine. I NEED to regroup.