I don’t know of any other subject like autism..where people actually question it the way autism is when you talk about it in moments. When someone talks about being bipolar…are there people who say to them..”well everyone is sad and depressed sometimes.”?? I have yet to see that in the way I see it done with autism when I explain some of the traits I experience. I have to say…it feels horrible to have someone say to you..”ya but don’t we all do these things?”
If we ALL did these things…I wouldn’t be here trying to explain what exactly it is for me to live inside my brain. I wouldn’t be dealing with a generalized anxiety disorder that makes me feel on edge every second of the day. I would not have the years of trauma. I wouldn’t ever be misunderstood for my intent. I would never struggle with social situations. It makes me want to scream in moments. Here I am being incredibly vulnerable and talking about something that is the CORE of my existence..and someone decides to dismiss it as a common experience for all.
Honestly…I FUCKING WISH IT WERE A COMMON AND ACCEPTED EXPERIENCE FOR ALL. Holy crap the amount of struggle and feeling completely alone in the world I would have avoided. The help I would of received if this were true.
I understand…it wasn’t too long ago that I would of laughed at anyone saying to me “you might be autistic”. It was not on my radar in any way and I am telling you the moment I realized this was in fact me…I STILL had and have trouble in moments processing this. But there is no doubt in my mind or my Dr’s mind..that I am autistic. No doubt. It’s the only thing in maybe ever…that has made sense to me. Everything before my diagnosis was my living a life of questions. Every day. But to say to someone who is telling you their raw truth..knowing how much I struggled to be something I wasn’t in a world that expected me to be something I wasn’t and punished me on a regular for not being “normal”…to have someone tell me all my experiences were imagined….is pretty much pouring salt on the wound. Buckets of it.
Again..I try to think about how much is not understood about autism. I try to put myself back in the shoes of when I didn’t understand it to. And STILL..I can’t imagine saying to someone…well doesn’t everyone do that? It makes no logical sense to me to question someone’s truth like that. The only way I can understand this is perhaps…to this person…this is their reality and they truly can not fathom any other way of being because to them it is normal because they too are autistic. How you like them apples? You can’t possibly see how my experience is different from your own? Hmm. Do tell.
It takes a lot for me to talk about this. It might seem natural to me..but there is a real reason why I am much more open here about it over other places on social media. The weird kick back I get from some is not helpful for me while I deal with autistic burn out. The feeling I get of being dismissed is pretty much the LAST thing I need right now. I need to be able to talk about it as much as I need people to simply listen and not fuck with my processing of this. But I do feel that because others talked about this…it’s entirely why I was able to get diagnosed. I feel very compelled to reach back and simply talk about it. Passionately compelled to not let others struggle like I did. Not feel invisible. And with that the risk of those who just refuse to understand or give me the space to simple state my truth.
You Had To Be There… 