It’s Autism Pride Day today so I’m going to share one particular thing that I struggle with and one I don’t struggle with as an autistic human so maybe some can understand it better.
Note…This is not an opportunity for anyone to dismiss my truth and experience. Many things can be similar or different from your own experience but they certainly as a whole do not cancel out my diagnosis and how my brain functions. I’m sharing because for the longest time I thought there was something very broken with me and I did not have the answers about what was going on that made my life experiences feel so different from a lot of my peers and people around me. I was not imaging this. This was a real thing going on and now I understand what it was and is. Don’t poop on my truth.
One thing I struggle with is called “auditory processing disorder”. Now to not know this had a name most my life was horrible and caused so much embarrassment and frustration for me. The only way I was able to explain it before and still do is there are moments when someone says something to me and it sounds like they are speaking Chinese. Or remember the “Peanuts” cartoon with Charlie Brown and how they had the teacher speak? This is what I hear in many moments. If you are close to me on a daily you will have experienced my “what?” Or “huh?” Or “can you repeat that?” And on some days when I’m tired or overwhelmed it can be worse than other days. I genuinely hear you..my hearing is great…my brain just has trouble quickly sorting out what you said and this is why a lot of times I will ask “umm what?” and then as soon as you repeat yourself…CLICK…my brain like flashes what you said clearly and in moments I’ll almost repeat it back to you at the same time you repeat it again. It’s an auditory PROCESSING disorder. It is simply slower really and sometimes it’s just not working at all and I have NO idea what you just said.
Now if you are on the job being given instructions that need to be processed quickly…this can be a nightmare for those of us who process slower. And really embarrassing. I also have this thing where I really NEED ALL the information for example someone says “cut this carrot”. My brain automatically asks…”how do you want me to cut it…long way..short way? I need more information and specifics. My brain needs all the information or I feel stuck or lost at what or how to proceed.
Many of us who did not know we were autistic “masked” a lot with a slower auditory processing disorder. Meaning we just guessed what you said (masked that we were keeping up with ya) a lot of the time to avoid the embarrassment of having to constantly ask someone to repeat themselves because we genuinely were not processing the words you were saying. Thankfully I was never in charge of building rocket ships or this would have been a bigger problem. But it is frustrating for people and I get that. Boy do I wish I could quickly process your words quickly to not frustrate you. And guessing what you said could be a toss up. Either you guess correctly or…you don’t and then you would be accused of not paying attention and not listening when you absolutely were. This triggers the “you are calling me a liar and my intent is never to lie and now I’m even more frustrated about this because I’m being very misunderstood in this moment.” It’s happened more times than I can count. It changes how people treat you and it’s so humiliating and frustrating to be pegged as not very smart when you are smart, you simply couldn’t process words quick enough.
So when an autistic human asks you to repeat yourself…KNOW they heard you but their brain could not process it in the time your brain does. We are not and it is the very last thing we want to do due to the learned humiliation we feel…not paying attention or not taking something seriously or even not hearing you.
And that leads to the good of having an autistic brain. We hear GREAT. Too good in many moments but I’m going to focus on the good. Sound is heard so great and so clearly I can get all over body chills from…many things not just music..hearing the ocean…hearing the wind blow through the trees…hearing my babies speak…etc. I have real physical reactions..good and bad to sound. My brain is also wired to notice patterns very well so it’s not uncommon for me to hear when the fridge is starting to act up before it stops working. (This actually happened once.) I can hear the slightest change in a machine and know something is off. My car on many occasions throughout my life…”do you hear that little ping noise..” Nope…what little ping noise? I have many times heard something different and known something was about to fail. What that something is NO IDEA cuz I’m not a mechanic. But I have many times been able to direct a mechanic to what and where I felt something was off at..just by the sound I was hearing. And if that mechanic could put his pride away and trust and listen to me as a woman..it worked great to get a problem resolved.
I love that I can hear things so clearly. I do feel it is a gift and I can genuinely say as much as I struggle with things…there are some really unique things about my brain I would not trade.
In many moments I hear too well and in moments where a lot of people are talking at once…my auditory processing disorder kicks in and it can FEEL like everyone is screaming gibberish at once and no way in hell will I be able to hear the conversation with friends or family close to me. That’s where noise reduction ear plugs or earphones come into play. Sound can be wonderful and a struggle and if there were any one way I could explain it…it would be imagine every single sound you hear dialed up 10x from normal. And because I hear everything 10x louder and more clear this can also be exhausting on my entire system. Mentally and physically exhausting. This is why one of the more common tools you see autists use is headphones on a daily basis. This is to help prevent feeling overwhelmed and exhausted thoughtout a normal day by sound alone. It is a necessary tool in an autistic humans toolbox. Everything in the outside world and sometimes inside depending on what kind of noise environment you live in can affect us. Every sound of a vehicle…city sounds..everything can and will take a toll over a day on our systems. Learning this now after a lifetime of not knowing and just dealing with every day life sounds is one of the biggest reasons my brain is tired and I developed an anxiety disorder. Over time this is common for late diagnosed autists like myself to develop generalized anxiety disorders from simply not attending to our heightened sensory needs. Sound can either make life very pleasurable or wreak us depending on environment or where we are at in a moment and what lead up to our ability to process. Some days are harder than others. And some days are magical and perfection in relation to sound. I mean when you listen to music can you hear every single instrument simultaneously playing? I can. And it’s wonderful feeling.
Having noise reduction tools I’ve found has changed so much in how I manage one given day with the sound that can feel overwhelming. And I genuinely would not trade the good of what I hear and how it makes me feel for anything. Do I have movements when I’m all “fuck all this..” Yes. I do if I’m being honest. But if I was given the choice…knowing what I know of the good…I would not want a different brain. I wouldn’t want to lose how beautiful I FEEL when I hear ocean waves. Or when a favorite song comes on the radio. Or when I simply hear my daughter’s voices. I feel blessed with this part of who I am and always will.
So there is good and bad with everything I’ve found so far. And most can’t exit without the other. Cherish the good…find tools to help with the bad and be grateful for it all because it is your unique footprint in this moment you get to experience life.
Happy Autistic Pride Day and really be proud of the things that make you…YOU. Not broken. Different…not less. 🌸
You Had To Be There… 