Frozen Things

I am much more productive when not anxious. Been dealing with being in an anxious and frozen state when it comes to creating since March. When your one thing that gets you to a good state isn’t’s like pushing a boulder uphill with really long breaks to catch your breath..but no added energy to continue the climb. I’ve managed to get some things done but it is hardly my normal. I sit here watching fellow artists kick out one piece after another during all this uncertainty and I feel completely inadequate. Not that I compare myself to others…but I know what I’m capable of during the worst of times during my life…and this is a whole different thing I’m dealing with on a daily. I have spurts of creativity so now when they show up..I literally stop everything around me and sit down to get it out before it disappears again. Not beating myself up too much…no point. But wow it is the absolute last thing I need right now and I’m starting to really feel the effects of not being productive. I’m already doing the impossible with my career choice as an artist and in order to keep doing this I can not afford to be in this state. The struggle is beyond real. I’ve tried all the things…and will keep doing so but grief for what was before is a real bitch. Accepting things will not be the same and this may be a really long haul…well it takes time for me to process this I guess. I am though. I’m not where I was in March and April where I would just burst out in tears. I’m in more of a fighting mode now and just not dealing with anymore BS state of mind. Because life is too short and I’m reminded it is every day.

I just wish I could do more right now. I wish I could shake this off and soar through it vs stumbling around unsure of myself and anything really. Let November be the month it changed. Please. Let the fog lift..let the tide roll out…let me find my mojo again and let it never leave me again. My one wish. Let me have my one thing back. My one life hack when things get tough. I miss it horribly.

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