Fall allergies are just as bad as spring allergies for me. Not to be confused with all the days in between when I have allergy issues. The change in seasons are thee worst. Now I’m wondering if I feel those a bit more intensely since everything is a bit more intensely felt over here. A myth about Autism…that folks are just now..in 2022…figuring out..is the whole idea of autistics not feeling pain thing. You can in fact be more sensitive to pain when on the spectrum. I can count so many different moments in my life where I know this is true. I am absolutely hypersensitive to pain. But until now believed..and was reinforced to believe too many times to count..that I was being weak and a baby and I needed to ignore what I felt LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID. Suck it up buttercup..everyone else manages while having a cold and stuff..stop being such a dumb ass. Go to work and just stop being so dramatic.
At least now I don’t feel like I’m being a big baby about it. And to all my ex bosses who made me feel I was…long walk…short pier..bye.
But I can’t even be angry with them. I didn’t know. How would they know? I hope this is different for my grand daughter. I just hope it is and she can avoid the inside voice telling her she is broken and weird and not really feeling what she feels. And all the outside voices telling her she is weak. As someone with autism…I can say the worst was being made to feel you were fucking up somehow by just feeling what you felt. What a mind fuck. What an absolute mind fuck I’ve endured my entire life. I grieve for the loss of who I could of been had I simply been listened to and understood. And there is no one to blame but the times itself and when I was born. All I can do now is look forward and use the information I have learned to help those born after me. I just don’t want anyone else going through what I did. Not understanding and feeling less than most their lives. It’s not fun. I managed but barely. I was just always barely managing most things and always feeling bad about not feeling any ounce of feeling “normal” about any of it.
But I also see how bad ass I was. Maybe not healthy suppressing all I suppressed…definitely not healthy…but I accomplished some things I really shouldn’t of been able to with pure grit and determination. And a certain amount of stubbornness and drive to prove everyone wrong. I did that. And it was extra hard for me and it hurt me and it was completely overwhelming. But I found a way and did it anyway. I mean…everything from allergy pain to dealing with god awful menstrual situations every single month since I was 13 yrs old. Or stomach issues. I do not feel bad about calling in sick for those really bad moments. I had enough sense to self care in those moments. And in many more moments worked while feeling immense pain. If I was physically able to get out of bed..I went to work too many times to count. I showed up while feeling very strong, intense pain and did what I needed to do. Especially while I was a single mother. I had to. I just had to or my kids went without.
Tell me that wasn’t bad ass. I did things that would make anyone else crack. I had extra hurdles to get over and I did it anyway. And I do feel pride about it now..even if I did not then. Loss and pride…it’s all the feels I feel now. One day sad about it the next like holy shit…I was really way stronger than I ever allowed myself to feel. Now I can feel that too. With bad…good. Always. Feeling it all.
You Had To Be There… 