I always described what I felt as an adrenaline rush. I was amazingly on point. Now have several of those a day in moments. That “omg we almost crashed and died!” type of adrenalin rush through your entire body that leaves you feeling absolutely unsettled and exhausted. It can be as simple as a plan has been changed. Someone stops over that you were not expecting. The power is out and you have a slow buildup of sensory stuff like for me…no normal background hum of the fridge turning on and off or the ability to do your normal routine. Or a sudden loud noise. Or your partner having a weird moment. I had no idea I was experiencing this sometimes multiple times a day. I am beginning to understand why I work on my art more at night. When things settle down. When I’m not being interrupted or dealing with all kinds of different sensory overloads.
I can’t explain how amazing it is to understand this now. I now have tools. I now know how to proceed instead of feeling all this and not understanding it or telling myself you are just weak and dumb and need to knock it off. Or suppressing it all day long. Ignoring it. Having it spill over onto people and relationships or my work. The lost hours I’ve had my entire life because I couldn’t focus. Because I was trying to get back to good after feeling this life or death thing. Feeling so frustrated most days. Believing I was broken from childhood and adult traumas. It’s all I had to go on. I just thought I was really messed up. Not to say I didn’t experience the aftermath of traumas. But it went much deeper than that. This was my daily life in moments when nothing was wrong…but it all felt wrong.
No wonder why I prefer to be home. It is my ultimate safe spot where I lesson the risk of feeling these adrenaline rushes through my body. So many many triggers out there in the world. And at home on days too. But less. I can stay in a good state at home. I can somewhat control my environment. Unless they turn the power off. Then I’m feeling the not normal thing and bam…fight or flight kicks in and I can’t focus..I can not think clearly.
Amazing. It is hard being me. It really is. And still…I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. Especially now that I know what I know. There is a way to help myself process things now. I’m not a hopeless mess walking around. I’m not silently dealing with these things alone. There are many like me out there and there are ways I can help myself on a daily deal with these adrenaline type responses. There IS a way! I can’t stop feeling it but I can be kinder to myself and find ways to soothe what I feel so I can be more focused and productive.
Holy shit. How do I explain how huge that is? I’ve known nothing else my entire life but to handle it badly or not handle it at all. I just don’t know how to explain what it feels like to even know now there is an answer to it. There is a way. There IS a way to live in this mind and body where it doesn’t have to feel SO hard.