When I don’t get enough sleep..or I have had an already full day of using a lot of my senses..(say like driving for 5 hours) all of my ASD things are doubled. One main thing is…I can’t hear right at all. People sound like they are mumbeling. I am constantly asking to have something said repeated. (I discovered they are not..it’s just what I am hearing.) A thing people get frustrated with me about. I wish I could just let them inside my head so they understand what I’m hearing. Why oh why would I be exaggerating or lying about this?? To create my own personal hell for kicks?? Wut. But yes..this then triggers anxiety. I am the last person who wants to frustrate anyone. It’s sometimes my number one priority to not frustrate anyone. Which isn’t healthy. When are my needs being met? When am I given a break while I try to accommodate and keep up with everyone? I don’t think people understand the work I sometimes have to do simply to be around others. The anxiety that includes. Is it a wonder I prefer being alone a lot of the time? I mean it’s those moments where it’s factualy easier for me just existing.
I wish there were a simulator. Maybe there will be someday. An autistic simulator where folks might get a small idea what it’s like.
Now again..imagine not knowing you were autistic? Not having a reason or cause for this? Just thinking you needed to ignore that and try harder and each time you fail…what that does to a persons self esteem over time. It’s not healthy. I feel the toll it’s taken. And it will take time to shake the bad habits I’ve learned of suppressing that and not acknowledging it. It will take time to start using my tools in moments like this as well get over the also anxiety triggered idea of explaining myself and why I can’t hear good when I am exhausted. I know people think it an excuse. Which it is. But they will think it a cop out excuse to not try harder. God if people knew how much an autistic human tries so fucking hard to just do things right the first time. We do not want to be a burden in any way. I know I don’t. I’m a Wisconsin girl at heart. We get things done. There’s pride in that. No pride in saying I’m sorry I can’t do this, what seems like a simple thing, right now. That will take time for me to learn to do. I’m not even sure how to yet.