I think I’m starting to feel more comfortable with learning I am autistic. I’ve been in hyper mode researching this since last year in March. I’ve spent months processing this life changing moment with this new info after being diagnosed. I’ve been thinking and reliving SO MANY moments from my past with different eyes and I had to stop for a second and just sit with it and be. It has been overwhelming in moments. Maybe research burn out. Or maybe the shock is just wearing off.
Whatever it is I am feeling right now..I think I am listening to myself more and my feels. And taking a step back more. Being kinder to myself. My internal voice is so much kinder and understanding now. I am not just pushing through what I feel because I don’t even understand what I feel. I am taking more moments to just feel it..not suppress it or scold myself for it or convince myself I’m being silly or weird or weak for feeling it. Huge for me and life changing. And exhausting.
I feel I need to rest for a moment and just apply what I’ve learned that will help me process things better. I gathered so many tools from so many wonderful people who have had a bit more time with it and I’m using them now. But it was a lot to process. It really was and is. There is a real huge before and after for me with this and change is in fact very hard for me. I guess I forgot that part. Even good change is hard for me and takes a moment to settle and I need to allow myself time.
What a concept..allowing myself time. I don’t have to figure it all out all at once. I don’t have to relive so many life traumas over and over to feel okay with this information and accept it. And it hit me..it’s probably not healthy to do that and be in a constant state of shock. I know now and I can just take my time reacquainting myself with..me. I can just be me for a second. Breathe. Acceptance. Understanding. No timeline and more just being present. That’s the plan. For today.
You Had To Be There… 